It just hit me. One more week and I am getting officially older. Not necessarily wiser, but I like to think so.
I don’t have these butterflies in my belly anymore about this. My birthday is coming, my birthday is coming!! I even took the birth date out of my facebook, so I won’t get the fake happiness when someone I barely know wishes me happy birthday. Does it matter, anyway? My actual friends will remember, and that will bring me the genuine feeling.
A new year is coming. A new start, though not a clean slate. I don’t get a clean slate with myself anymore. Is it bad? Maybe, my head is messing with me, based on the previous bites.
That SOB. When you need support in getting over someone, it brings out happy memories, making you more and more miserable, and when you need all the illusion, it helps you remember all the times you have been fooled for being too happily innocent. And I don’t think it gets better with age. That you get to a point in your life when you say “All right, I’m a grown up now”, and however, you keep feeling the same anxiety you had 10 years ago, when you were way younger and you were allowed to make mistakes, so you can get something good out of them.
I do get wiser, as I train myself patience, self control that wasn’t there a decade ago, but the feeling is still there, it won’t go away with the techniques you use for the head. I still ask myself the very same questions, I still have the very same conversations with my girlfriends, probably same words, I just got better at biting on my nails so I won’t screw up all the same.
Still, all the patience and nail biting won’t prevent your head from screaming on the inside, won’t prevent the nerves, and if it’s bound to happen, won’t prevent you from getting hurt either.
So, you’re (almost) older now, get your ass back in the game, even though you might not influence the outcome anyway. But you’ll do it better. Or you’ll analyze better your new mistakes.
So, yeah… great to put myself out there again, it was about time I come out of the self-imposed sentimental retirement, even if it is to help me feel as if I am young and silly again 🙂